This article is a response to this Kinkly article, which covers the ~great mystery~ of the primary sexual organ in half the world’s population. Please be advised this response contains just as much cissexism and ignorance as the original article.
Guys are a mystery in every sense of the word. It’s a wonder any woman manages to hold their attention enough to trick them into marriage. Let’s face it, if you’re not well-versed in League of Legends or the fine art of brewing your own beer, what do you really have to offer him? That’s right: your pussy. But sex with a man usually involves dealing with one of the world’s greatest mysteries: the penis.
Sex may seem like the easiest way to keep your man’s attention, but many women find the male sex organ to be a puzzling concept. If you’re not a doctor or professional porn star, you probably have no idea where to start when interacting with one. Don’t worry–that’s a perfectly normal anxiety for most women. Penises are just an anatomical nightmare for most of us, but there are ways to entice your man without getting lost in the complexity of their junk.
Instead of having an adult conversation about your partner’s needs, most women would benefit from looking at the penis like an obstacle they can overcome. If you are able to bewitch the penis, you won’t have to do any actual research about how they function or even talk to your partner about what their specific body enjoys. Penises are all pretty much the same!
If you take anything in this article seriously, know that getting your partner’s consent is required before any sexual activity. While consent is no joke, feel free to make up silly safewords so long as you remember them. My favorite is “lawsuit,” because it seems to be the most effective!
Coaxing the Beast
Nothing is harder (no pun intended) to work with than a soft penis. It’s a frustrating task for women to first arouse their partners to get them ready for sex. For the convenience of a rock-hard cock whenever you want, try enticing it.
I find that snapping my fingers and whistling at a limp dick can help “coax it out to play.” If that doesn’t work, try flicking the ballsack. Most men won’t actively enjoy this, but it will certainly get his attention.
Dealing With Foreskin
What’s even more confusing than the dick itself is the foreskin. Did you know that not all men even have foreskin? In fact, most dildos don’t even have it (but some do)! It’s a complete guess whether or not your partner has a foreskin until you actually see their cock, but those who do may require even more enticing. Try peeling back the foreskin to stimulate the fleshy organ beneath. You can run your fingers over it or even use your tongue if you’re feeling wild.
If your partner doesn’t produce enough pre-cum on his own, it’s perfectly fine to use bottled lube. Try not to shame him for not being wet enough. There’s nothing wrong with using lubricant and it can even make things more pleasurable for you both. I recommend a nice water-based lube for most sex acts, but if you crave the slickness of a nonstick pan, go for that Sliquid Silver.
Consider Adding a Sex Toy
Genitals are great, but they don’t always do the trick on their own. In all seriousness, there’s no shame in adding sex toys to your sexual encounters. There is, however, shame in using LELO toys. Why go for a brand that has hired an abuser to promote faulty condoms when you could easily choose a brand that hasn’t done that? How about a brand that, instead of promoting themselves as a “luxury,” actually sells their body-safe products at affordable prices? Try adding an affordable bullet to “charm” your clitoris or a dual-density dildo to take the pressure off his penis? If he’s into anal play, you can even use a plug on him. If you want to keep him at his hardest, consider adding a cock ring (vibrating of course, for your pleasure). With access to affordable Blush toys, you have unlimited ways to add some accessories to your sex life.
Above all else, the best way to make yourself a better sex partner is to educate yourself. Perhaps public sex education is to blame, but far too many women don’t know how to handle the penis. For too long it has been considered an enigma that we tend to avoid in bed because unknown territories are scary. Consider reading up on related topics like dick size or talking to your partner about their specific needs. Only by educating ourselves can we stop referring to the penis as nature’s Rubik’s Cube.