This week, the next chapter of untold stories within the Harry Potter universe is released in theaters. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald will bring fans back into a world of magic, where witches and wizards live among muggles and no-maj like ourselves. While new, young fans join the Harry Potter fandom every day, the world of magic that author J.K. Rowling introduced to the world in 1997 has stuck with Millennials well into our adult lives. As children, my friends and I imagined being sorted into our houses and attending classes at Hogwarts. However, now in my late 20s, I find myself wanting more information about the wizarding world through the perspective of adult witches. As a sex blogger, this begs the question: what would sexuality look like if the wizarding world of Harry Potter were real?
Here are ten concepts from Harry Potter that could apply to the sex lives of witches and wizards alike.
1. Potions
Amortentia may seem like an easy way to perfect your love life, but the ethics behind using a powerful love potion to get your crush into bed are questionable at best. When consumed, the potion makes the object of your desire fall in love with you, but at the cost of their free will. I imagine ads in the Daily Prophet, much like anti-drugs advertisements, spreading awareness to wizards about the dangers of irresponsible uses of magic. Remembers, kids: love potions do not equal consent.
For the skilled wizards among us, try, instead, whipping up a batch of Felix Felicis. While it doesn’t directly affect the free will of your beloved, it may just be the best “get lucky” potion you can brew. With a little luck on your side, you can up your flirting game and charm the pants off your date (literally), all without the questionable consent violations of a love potion.
If you want to get a little freaky in the bedroom, try having your partner chug a polyjuice potion before sex so you can experience truly “loving” yourself. Come on–don’t pretend you haven’t thought about it. You could theoretically use polyjuice to turn your partner into anyone you’d like to have sex with but, again, we advise that you use magic responsibly when roleplaying with magical clones without their true form’s permission. Make sure to get consent before you…Slytherin.
2. Clean Up
A vanishing spell could be very useful when you’ve completely trashed a hotel room on a wild night with your partner. Much like Slughorn and Dumbledore’s use of this concept in the beginning of the sixth book, you could easily restore a room to its natural state after sex. Pick up all the clothing on the floor, make the bed, and get the spilled lube out of the carpet with a simple wave of your wand.
Imagine not having to do laundry after an especially wet scene. Try an Impervius spell on your sheets to protect them from bodily fluids. If only it was that easy, right? For envious muggles looking to keep their bedding neat and dry, try a Liberator throw. It’s (almost) like magic!
3. Sex Toy Transfiguration
For witches and wizards still living at home, or perhaps with nosy roommates, there’s no need to worry about hiding your sex toys. Simply transfigure any everyday object into the toy of your choosing. Imagine being able to transfigure a common muggle pen into the Fun Factory Stronic Real or turning your regular wand into a Magic Wand Rechargeable. Not only can you hide it in plain sight, but no one will ever know. Be sure to study up on transfiguration at Hogwarts to avoid any…unfortunate mishaps.
4. Magical LDRs
For muggles, transportation is a costly thing to consider in long-distance relationships, which can lead to stress and heartache. For those in the wizarding world, however, apparition is an instantaneous and free way to see your loved ones at any time. It is potentially dangerous if you aren’t skilled in the craft, but it definitely helps when you’re dating someone far away. Alternatively, you can use Floo Powder if you and your partner are hooked up to the Floo Network–so long as you enunciate.
For times when you cannot be together, try casting a Fidelius charm on an object so you can always interact with them throughout your day. While muggles can use an app called Couple to send each other “thumb kisses” from anywhere in the world, magical folks can simply tap their wands to an object to send a symbolic gesture of love to their significant other.
One can only imagine the fun times that a Fidelius charm could have as a set of a couple’s sex toys. Like the We-Vibe Jive or a set of Lovense toys, couples can master the art of long-distance play using a bit of magic. Muggles can try searching for a remote or app-controlled sex toy until their overdue Hogwarts letters appear. In the meantime, they can try to master the art of sexting by owl!
5. Privacy
If you’re a bit vocal in bed and have thin walls or share an apartment with roommates, try your hand at the Muffliato charm. Created by the Half-Blood Prince, Muffliato allows you to be as loud as you’d like during sex, and those within earshot won’t be able to make it out. Instead, they might hear some buzzing, but you can probably blame that on some kind of no-maj technology.
6. Underwater Sex
Don’t pretend you haven’t wondered what it’s like to be able to have sex in the depths of a lake or on the ocean floor. With a little Gillyweed (or alternatively, a Bubble-Head charm), you can apply some of the magic from the Triwizard tournament to your own sex life–not to mention the fun you could have exploring water bondage kinks! Sneaking off for some underwater fun may prove dangerous in some waters where magical creatures lurk, so proceed with caution. Watch out for mermaids, and don’t bother the giant squid!
7. Magical Self-Esteem
Using transfiguration to change the appearance of your body isn’t unheard of, but probably isn’t the best way to deal with any self-esteem issues. Sure, playing around with some magical plastic surgery sounds like fun, but you never know what could happen if you aren’t careful. You may think that casting Engorgio on your penis is a great way to impress the ladies, but it could be dangerous if you’re not experienced. Besides, size isn’t everything, so it’s best to practice radical self-love and deal with body image issues the muggle way instead of using magic.
8. Birth Control Spells
There’s nothing clearly spelled-out in the wizarding world (as it is technically a children’s series), but we’re willing to bet that witches and wizards would make use of some magical birth control methods. If a condom or IUD isn’t working for you, try an “Erectus Protectus” charm or an “Impervious Pussy” spell. It would be very useful for those who get caught up in the moment and don’t have time to run out for a condom. Studying such spells are important because you wouldn’t want to make mistakes. If all else fails, however, try a morning-after potion.
9. Stealthy Exhibitionism
Are you one of those people who get turned on by having people watch you during sex? Does the idea of masturbating in a semi-public space arouse you? Invisibility spells put a new twist on the whole exhibitionism kink–but it’s important to keep consent in mind. You could easily cast a Disillusionment charm on yourself or an invisibility spell on your clothing and just go to town, but please be aware of those around you when playing with magical exhibitionism. You don’t want to get yourself in any hot water or make anyone around you uncomfortable. Remember that witches and wizards are powerful creatures and some may be more perceptive than others.
10. Magical Restraints
If you like the idea of kink but don’t know where to start, we suggest playing with some bondage. Dumbledore makes use of some magical restraints with Death Eaters at the Ministry of Magic, so they’re sure to hold your partner down during a kinky scene together. You can start off with some trusty Agreeable Agony rope or light restraints but for those looking for a more intense scene, you can try an Incarcerous spell to conjure some rope. Like all uses of magic during sex, this should be used responsibly and only with enthusiastic consent.
We hope you enjoyed this list. Let us know–what other concepts from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter would you utilize in your sex life?
